A letter to God

I can feel you; I know you are running through me.
Sometimes I lose my sense of dimension,
seems I am floating in another world, another being.

I feel scared today, this longing, this pain been within me since I knew myself, since that moment I discovered you.
I love you and I know it won’t be any other being for me without you.

I am so detached from world; I wish I could leave this place and come back to you without wishing the death of my human’s form.

Life been so different since I found you again, I am on this boat, alone, without knowing where I am going to and don’t even care!!

You know my deepest desire, it never changed, I want YOU.

I see the beauty of life, the magnificent amazing
Magical beauty of the world around me,
in me.
But it seems deeper desire in my heart; I want to be with you all the time. I am tired, tired of waiting. What else is left to be done?

I have returned to San Francisco and my eyes search every corner of sky, every wave, every pair of eyes… to meet you again…

My darling God, I feel you presence, the closeness make me breathless, my heart wants to stop.

I know you can hear me, where this ache is coming from? This longing, there is no one here that I can talk with, no one can understand unless they have been burnt in love, the way I did and still do. The only sound in my heart is love and beyond that is your silence.

Oh Beloved, have mercy on this soul, free me, let me open my wings and fly towards you. I have
nowhere to go, nowhere to stay, no strength to carry my body, no desire to say even one more word… I want to fall in your ocean of silence and let tides carry me to heaven.

All of my life, I search for the man of my dream, when I met ~S~ in 2008 in San Francisco, it was like an earth quick, my whole being was shaking, it was like meeting myself and lost in all lives that i have lived, all emotions, that I have felt… perhaps I know a bit better now about the process of alchemy but then, it was just the beginning of my many deaths.

Since childhood, there was part of me wishing to live like others, grow up, fall in love, marry, have children and write and share my thoughts.
And there was another me, the timeless in me, the lover, the seeker, the mad soul, in love with God beyond words.. the thirst in me couldn’t be satisfied or even justified by anything else, I knew from early age, I have a journey to make, the pilgrimage of love..I knew, I won’t rest till I meet God, in the sprit and in a flesh.

In 2008, I thought, I met my twinflame and over the last few years, no matter what I heard from others, my heart kept repeating his name like a Mantra… when I arrived few weeks ago, many thoughts crossed my mind, I wrote to him with my contact details, in the same open way I always spoke ..from my heart. still no answer…
Something along the way, finished in me… the last human desire left my existence, even I do feel his presence, but his silence burnt me, week after week, years after years.
This love burnt me all the way…..
My mind made a lot of stories of this encounter, and it did took me a long time, to find a place within to stay neutral to the chatter box and eventually, silence came back…
Few days ago… I finally let him go …from depth of my being.
I have returned to my true lover, the one who I met and felt when I was 6 years old. To God.

It is always you. I chose you and I knew my life won’t be a normal one.
I searched for peace, for some kind of truth to satisfy my thirst for knowing. I changed and moved from country to another one, I met people from different backgrounds, some they knew you and some was in denial. I lived a full life and in a process, I changed to this empty place, I call her, Serena, she is more you than anything else… You are her belonging, her home, he serenity and her true passion…

I know and feel by coming back to San Francisco at this time of the earth, (End of 2011 and beginning of 2012) I am coming to the end of this journey somehow.
I only could support myself in physical for few more weeks, I know things happening for a reason, I no longer struggle with my destiny, I trust you and believe if my earth path has been so hard, It meant to make me an example in my love and faith, in You…So Be it.

My wounds are cured and my heart feels so light, I look into the ocean everyday and listen to seagulls and I feel your arms around me and your breath just touches back of my neck, as I rest more and more in your embrace. I wish, we could just fade away in You.
God, I love you and I can’t explain anymore to anyone even myself, why the threads of my life made this tapestry, it is what it is.

I am feeling alone but not sad, not lonely, just alone.. It feels like there is nothing else left from the earth or on earth for me.

Except this vivid image of US, you and I in open fields of lavender, tulips
Ah, the sunshine reflects in the river as it flows,
flock of sparrows in fly to somewhere warm
sands, trees and my buried fingers in the wind,
my burning heart in your silent love
and yes… the memory of Nobhill my meeting with my twinflame

I can feel something is about to happen, could I go through another test of my love for you,
do I have anything else to lose,
to sacrifice?
What is left except this human’s form?

I am burning in silence and I know,
from my ashes the phoenix will raise…

now, only days left…

© Serena Devi, January 2012, San francisco