Beloved of my heart


It feels like lifetimes since we really met within each other. I was a young child and not sure of my understanding. You were my Secret, the hidden friend, not the imaginary one. For me, everything was so real and bright at the age of 5 years old.

It began with questions, I was curious and excited from taste of a soda to shine of stars at night. I came to you every day just to listen and feel safe.

I grow up in dysfunction family, which I had no idea what it means then. I felt insecure and alone. I didn’t have any one to talk with until I discovered you exist, at least inside me.

I grow up behind a locked door, romancing you. Later on, adults told me the story of God and Creation, but that never made sense. All religion stories missing a juice, too much structure, laws and should/shouldn’t. I just wanted to be loved and love. My parents were so engaged in fighting and blaming each other. They never saw how you landed in my little heart and became my everything.

It took years before I really understand what is about me which is so different from my surrendering and society. I was a seeker, in search for answers, why am I here, what this ache in my heart means. Like I have lost something precious. I used to have vivid dreams about a place beyond earth. Now, everyone talks and discuss parallel realities, dimensions, others planets in non-physical. Then, In a middle eastern country rules by darkness an prejudice, in a traditional family, who would have listened (forget believing) to a 10 years old Writing poetry of a place that lion and deer sleep next to each other, and she has wings, flying as fast as light. Who would have listened that Divines’ word constantly landing on heart/pure consciousness it is called now. J

I just knew, I must find this God, or understand why I am here? And why there is so much pain in my being? I could not go and play like other children. I just wanted to read or write. I wanted to understand why I am looking for someone? At 12 years old, I was certain that there is only path in front of me, to go and find my missing one! It was such a thirst in my heart for love, of course I wasn’t receiving anything from my surrendering. They provided for my physical needs but I was a dry desert inside, feeling lonely and only prayer to God and writing love letters to that mysterious masculine icon were kept me going.

The story is long and much longer than a post here. The book is merging in my heart and it is just a warming up for my own courage to go back and remember without really enter those healed wounds and days.

Today is more about loving and how I fall in love with God/Divine. How 40 years later, I met a man on earth that initiated my heart and passion of our encounter was so fiery and burning that gave birth to thousands poetry and eternal flame and torch in my heart to take the journey into myself and go layer by layer to know the essence of love and the Beloved.

The world is our mirror and we keep playing the game of light and shadow in any story we create, to meet and fall in love with each other, with ourselves.

I no longer carry beliefs, I found them over rated and empty and not really required for living. I choose full presence, in here and in now. I chose transparency and truth at any cost. I choose love not as a feeling, but as a vast space for totality and surrendering to every experience as it comes. I found peace and grace over the years shedding the skin of untrue parts of myself. If there is a story or tale that I wish to hear over and over, it is the story of the beloved of my heart.

The soft and gentle touch of inner breeze, the simple sharing of a glance, the music and silence between today and the unknown. I embrace it all.

It is a strange time on planet earth. Many of the ones called light workers, way showers or just anonymous mystics like me! We are experiencing phenomenon, in large or small doses of energy and waves. Our outer reality is shifting so quickly and could not be interfered or controlled by anything/ anyone. We have no choice but to give up our small mind and let heart rule us to whatever divine destiny we are guided to.

And the truth is so strong and bright that we are completely standing in the moment. As unstable and insecure our outer reality looks, we are fully grounded in our hearts and faith that we endure all that comes as life. We cherish all comes and goes and believe me, my own moments are so unsettled that in a normal manner I would have panic of what future holds for me by end of June. But all I feel is love, is aching deeply and joyfully in freedom of who I am.

Layers, veils and walls are removed over the last 10 years of internal journey into my own heart to meet the true face of the Beloved. I burnt and shed. I died and reborn. I never stop loving.

This is just a moment, into truth of my soul song. Every one of us, in human form, we have a song. We have a purpose and unless we really fuel it by passion and truth seeking of our nature which is love, we will continue half lived life, trapped in boxes of ideas and never dare to swim in ocean of moments. Never discover the magic of sky, birds and beaming sun.

Life is love, the beloved is you. If I die in this moment, I have lived truthfully to my last breath. I have no desire to reach anywhere but HERE.  I fall in love with God and pursued it with all of I am. In process, perceptions constantly changed. Reality changed. I experienced many loss, in beliefs as well connections and family relations. I am saying, it was torture to say “yes” to myself because how I felt and still feel and witness my own heartbreak over and over. The path of truth requires courage and sacrifices which only appears to our mind, but yet, emotionally we experience them until, suffering completely ends in our inner perceptions and then, peace becomes the state of our being, which gradually widens by practice and mastery of thoughts.

Heart is the center of life and the leader as well. Mind only serves Heart and most of humanity are still trapped believing to untrue tales and stories of mind.

My life has become simple and more ordinary every day. The beloved of my heart is so close, like her/she is sitting right now beside me, in such a harmony and balance. I no longer have a question or answer for anything. I feel I have become what I ever wished for. A song.

A love song, and the child in me, and the woman I become, all merging in light of my Soul.

Find the true face of the beloved, inside your heart universe breathes. You are the source of your joy and pain. You are the magnificent and beautiful experience of love. Open to your own greatness and dive deep into streams of joy which you are.

There is no map and guide. There is no right or wrong doing in life. Everything shows us, us.

The world is about to change because many woke up to understanding and relating with one truth,  We are the Beloved, We are the lover. And words no longer serve us because our hearts are so thirsty, we want to end this inner struggle, anger, isolation, suffering and we do not know “How”, because we lost our inner trust, we do not see the face of love in our own heart.

The only way is to wake up, the only way is love. Be your own beloved, your own lover. Set yourself free.